Losing A Close Friend

Friendship represents one of the highest social achievements. A friend is not a family member. They are someone who has chosen to be close to you not because of some genetic connection. Your best friends reflect back to you who you are. If you have disappointed a best friend so badly that they cut you loose, it hurts. It causes one to wonder what they did wrong. Or, if you know why the other rejected you, regret follows.

On the other hand, often your friends project their own unconscious, denied ideas on to others, especially best friends and lovers. This means that when they reject you they are rejecting or denying part of themselves. Psychoanalysts say, “Projections have to have a hook”. In other words, we don’t project our unconscious ideas on just anyone. The target of projection has to have some similarity to the projector or, at least, bring up some aspect of the self they are conflicted about. Now, not everything one thinks about us is a projection. So it is more than possible they have seen something in us that is in fact true about us. But why have they decided to be our close friends for so long? Social psychologists have found that ‘similarity’ is the best predictor of who are friends are.

It is awful when friendships that have lasted for a lifetime break. You can plead with the other that you have changed, learned from your mistakes. But they have known you too long. They have seen bad behavior in the past and forgiven you. But then one more time and they have had enough of you. This can stimulate a change in you and the other person. But they will not likely believe you have changed. They block your phone number. There is no chance to plead. A helpless feeling comes over you. I want them back! But it’s not likely to happen.

So, what do you do? Unless you can blame them, you change. The sad part is that they will never know if and how you changed. In the end, that is their loss. Something of value about you, something that is also in them, will never be recognized consciously. Being able to take a very high perspective on human affairs allows people to forgive. It hurts when they don’t. But, of course, it takes two to tango.

What Does One Expect from Suicide?

After an uninterrupted, prolonged period of unhappiness, a person may contemplate if not execute suicide. They hope to end their suffering. But does relief imagined to follow death occur? It seems only if one is alive and conscious can relief from sorrow be felt. In the meantime, the suicide has hurt countless others who care for them. One’s life has meaning if it benefits members of the species and, of course, the individual is a member of the species. Even if one has failed so far in achieving their prosocial goals, living is the only way to do it. And, there is likely no perceptible relief from pain via suicide.

Conspicuous Consumption

I just came back from a Walmart Super Store. Therein one can seemingly buy ANYTHING. The place is gigantic and stocked with food, clothing, hardware, kitchen ware, camping gear, drugs, electronics, home and office furniture, bath items, toys, automotive items, and on and on. It is the the Mount Everest of an economy built on constant demand for many essential and many stupid products. To me, the place is entirely depressing. Maybe it’s efficient to be able to buy anything you want in one place. But this is not what is disheartening about being there. It is seeing all the buyers trudge sadly through the aisles looking for what they think they need. They search for crap instead of feelings of friendship and love. The things that really matter. These feelings have been replaced by the need to acquire some of what they need and much of what they could do without.

I found it telling that when the virus quarantine was first lifted, people crowed into stores in order to buy new clothes! You know what makes up the largest percentage of land fills? Clothes. Things people throw away. Modern societies depend on constant demand for consumer goods, needed and inane. This requires constant production, ruthless competition for money, and status seeking. These in turn create alienation, class warfare, envy, denial of health needs, environmental degradation, racism, and the election of a schmuck like Trump. Consumer economies have worked to overshoot the carrying capacity of the planet and of human societies. I think this will all end soon and violently .

Seeking Something Old in Something New

When one has lost a cherished relationship they tend to seek a new one. But the new must have elements of the old. All Intimate relations involve satisfaction of needs for the warmth and comfort experienced in childhood. That is, satisfaction of basic, old needs are are a key aspect of all close relations. While the person who can satisfy those needs may be a new person, they still have to met the old, unchanging needs. All of our intimate relations serve the same function regardless of who the other person is.

A barrier to forming new bonds after old ones are severed is feeling of regret and perhaps guilt about the ending of the old connection. This means we may find it hard to be open to a new relationship. So, our basic unchanging needs will go unsatisfied for a long time. Depression, loneliness and despair will occur. How can one overcome this? Somehow we have to honor our needs. Realise that they are universal requirements for life. Denial of our needs is a denial of life. Knowing this can put one in touch with life outside the 3-D. One needs to connect to the ‘spiritual’ side of things. This is a basic need too.

Despair and Giving Up

Have you ever reached a point when nothing works to solve a problem? I have. I have been trying for over a week to achieve a very important life goal. I need not go into the specifics about this. It is enough to say that it is very important to me to do this and, at this point, it seems impossible. Just now I decided to give up. All my attempts have ended in failure. I have been frustrated and depressed about it all.

It is not my fault that I have failed. I have persisted and tried everything possible. At some point one must give up or experience constant anxiety and sadness. At what point should frustration and despair be relieved by giving up? Frankly, I can’t really give up the effort. But for now I will. Life will have to go on without my achieving a critically important goal. I tell myself, “Don’t do what does not work”. Turn your attention to something else. I am not one who gives up easily but constant futility seems worse than abandoning the effort . When the universe is against you, go in a different direction. Take it as a signal that your efforts are blocked by invisible forces. Now, for many this might seem to be a rationalization or excuse. For me that is not so. I am always persistent to a fault.

Decisions to give up on relationships or career goals are very difficult to make. But often giving up on something starts you on a different, more promising path. This happens to all of us, more or less, at various times in life. My experience is that forsaking goals has always led to new growth in different directions. Don’t try to push a rock up hill. Find paths of less resistance. The adage, “No gain without pain” is not always true. Pleasure is a greater motivator than pain. Changing life goals might be the way to become who you are meant to be. If relationships or careers are unattainable, move on to goals that are achievable.